This hilarious account is guaranteed to set the tone for a good weekend.

 Sipho and his mates decided to go on an affirmative shopping trip to the East London Museum. Clearly Sipho is a lover of the fine arts, and a veritable SBG (Sophisticated Black Gentleman) culture vulture to boot when it comes to all things aesthetic, otherwise he would rather have broken into something more humdrum like a shebeen or spaza shop, right? Well, what was going to be an innocent midnight sojourn gazing at Pierneef canvasses, with the concomitant artsy banter between him and his mates as to the great painter’s neo-impressionist broad stroke style, turned into something less edifying as suddenly, The Evil White Man’s Alarm went off!

Angry, hurt and dismayed at The Evil White Man’s attempts at keeping Sipho & co down, and willfully depriving them of appreciating magnificent Africana paintings, an enraged and artistically marginalized Sipho decided to hoof it out of there - somehow he just knew those unsophisticated philistine cops will never believe his wide-eyed explanations at simply wanting to enjoy art without the din and distraction of sweating, chattering museum crowds.

Once outside, a now panic-stricken Sipho was confronted with a six foot palisade fence. He heaved, pushed and shoved with all his might, but the bars just wouldn’t budge. In the distance he could hear the roaring engines of approaching security vehicles. Overcome with a growing sense of urgency, Sipho spotted a tree near the fence. At the sight of the tree, somewhere deep in the recesses of his reptilian brain stem an ancestral, evolutionary memory stirred. From that point on, nature took over as Sipho pulled in his head, emitted a simian grunt, arched his back and went down on all fours.

Quick as a flash, he morphed into the bipedal simian life form so very close to his beast-like nature and dexterously bounded up the tree. Just beyond the palisade fence was a ten foot chain link fence. Child’s play he joyously thought. Plus, the muti I got from that sangoma will give me super powers! Lets jump both fences in one go! Sipho hunched, braced himself and with an almighty effort he leaped.

Alas, the forces of natural science so carefully enumerated by  Newton conspired against our hapless tree dweller, and instead of the magnificent orang outang style leap, Sipho semi-jumped, semi-fell out of the tree in a rather unelegant arch. Crashing earthwards like a sack of mealies, his yellowed eyes widened as he felt a sharp stinging sensation rushing up from his smelly black pooper… “ma-wheeaa!!” he screamed in surprise. The searing pain felt exactly like that he experienced a year or so before, when his cell mate Bubba coerced him into “bending for a friend” on that fateful East London prison night. “Eissh hau eina eina eina” he whimpered. Not even Bubba had such a big schlong as the object which he now had impaled himself on, wondering quietly what Bubba would say at being upstaged…

Last we heard, Sipho, was slowly (very slowly) meandering the passages and wards of the Frere state hospital, playfully squirting horrified passers-by through a tiny hole he poked in his newly fitted colostomy bag. He can’t wait to be discharged to show off this cool new party trick.

BELOW: From the Despatch (East London)

This alleged thief had to be rushed to hospital last night after being impaled on a fence.

The incident took place at the East London museum.

The suspect is alleged to have broken down the back door to the museum. The alarm went off, giving him a fright, and he ran away.

He climbed a tree and then attempted to jump over the fence. However, he lost his footing and was impaled by one of the spikes on the fence.

The man was discovered by a tow truck driver who heard his cries.

The man was taken to Frere Hospital and it is understood that he is due to undergo surgery.