Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 ,Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

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A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,
John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

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THE VIRUS

Opened my inbox this morning and I was greeted by this warning: “There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, students, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bottle store. Purchase an antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. Researchers, including the great Vavi and Blade, have been working day and night to concoct a vaccine. It’s in its trail phase and has already been named the “Strike .07″ This vaccine is said to be the greatest since 1985 and could potentially save thousands from WORK.”

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2006 cartoon - which now rings true:

UBER-ZILLA

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UNFAIR DISMISSAL?

I managed to dig up this not-so-original rumour about an Information & Communication Technology Services (ICTS) employee who had been unfairly dismissed. I don’t usually follow-up on rumours of this nature, but you’ll soon understand why the dismissal might have been unfair.

Here’s what transpired (Bearing in mind that this is a rumour):“Thank you for calling ICTS, how may I help you?”“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Microsoft Word.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“I see. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in Word, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“…….Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”

“Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”